Need a free ride!

I am looking for someone to take care of me for a while. I look around and see others getting breaks, getting taken care of because they exist. Where's my free ride! I'm old and tired. My needs are simple...you pay the mortgage, you buy me a new car, you put the money in the account to pay the bills, you get the pool guy to clean up consistently, you translate to the gardner, you leave the note for the cleaning people...and the check. I'll just show up and smile!